Celebrate!ADHD Blog
ADHD and Suicide
In the past week, we have worked with three teenagers—two boys and a girl—who recently tried to commit suicide. I just walked back in from meeting one boy and am still a bit shaken. But I wanted to write this while the emotion is still strong. I am usually so relentlessly positive and I remain so, but sometimes I err on the side of being too hopeful and reassuring to parents. Today, though, I do want to shake you up a bit. This is important stuff we're talking about.
These three kids do not have clinical depression—it isn't biological or chemical. When you listen to them tell their stories, you may realize that they sound just like your own kids. In fact, these three teens come from what most would consider "good homes." But listen to the common themes and situations that each of the kids mentioned contributing to their desire to end their lives:
1. My parents are always upset, yelling and screaming and accusing me. I always feel like I'm on the defensive.
2. We don't talk in our house. We scream at each other. My parents always seem frustrated at me, and I understand why. But we just hurry through each day and I'm not sure when the last time they just listened to me without giving me a lecture.
3. No one has really believed in me. And I'm not sure what I've ever done to give them reason to.
4. Since I've been little, I've been the bad kid, the one always in trouble.
5. Even when I was a kid, I knew my own relatives and grandparents didn't like me being around.
6. I have no vision for the future. I'm not good at anything. Life has always been about fixing me. I'm just plain tired of that.
7. What do you do, where do you go when you don't fit in, when you don't see any positives?
8. My parents are always saying things will change, but this is all I've known since I was a kid. It hasn't changed in 15 years, what's going to make the future any better?
9. I feel like I am the cause of all the trouble in our house. My brother/sister never gets in any trouble. They are destined to be successful and I'm destined to fail. I know that's what everyone thinks.
10. School's hard. Sports aren't my thing. I don't quite fit in and I know it. I know teachers have given up on me, just like everyone else.
And this is what got me most. This is what one boy told me this afternoon with a blank look on his face and no self-pity in his voice.
"I don't feel sorry for myself and I'm not looking for you to care. The fact is that I'm glad I tried it [killing himself] and glad it didn't work because it showed me one thing. No one else has ever really believed in me—I mean I know my parents say they love me, but I'm not stupid, I know what they talk about and that they are scared to death I'm going to be a failure. I'm too big a pain for teachers and I don't blame them for the way they treat me. I never believed in myself, but when I realized that I had the guts to do it, it was really weird. It showed that I had a side to me that gave a **** about myself and that there is something good in there."
Deep breath. So what do you do with this? What do you do when you meet a boy—no different than the thousands of kids we've met before, no different than the one who you may be struggling with over homework right now—who only felt hopeful and saw something good inside after he tried to end his life?
We need to take our words more seriously. We need to take this to heart, not put it off for some other day, some other year. At our School Workshops, I challenge educators to find that one student who is the biggest challenge and believe in them This is why.
So if you notice a new urgency to our messages, you'll know why. These kids' experiences are no different than what happens in homes and schools across the country every single day. Let's change this. Please.
Slow down and take a few minutes tonight to talk to and listen to your kids. Put your feet up, ask them about something other than school, remind them of their gifts and passions. Let's change ourselves and our homes tonight.
10 Reasons We Celebrate ADHD
Contrary to those whose perspective of Attention Deficit Disorder and ADHD is pessimistic—and even fatalistic—we enthusiastically celebrate children and adults with ADHD because:
1. They are purposefully wired differently, not deficiently. We work with our nature, not against it.
2. They possess unique, advantageous qualities that enrich society.
3. They are trailblazing innovators, entrepreneurs, artists, musicians, inventors and leaders.
4. Many supposed negative qualities can actually be positive advantages.
5. They will thrive in a future defined by self-directed enterprise and risk-taking.
6. Cultivating their natural gifts, talents and passions restores confidence, purpose and joy.
7. They are idealistic world-changers with large visions.
8. They have giving hearts and find purpose by using their gifts to help others.
9. They possess fortitude to overcome obstacles. We reject the premise that ADHD is synonymous with failure and will not allow anyone to use ADHD as an excuse to fail.
10. They possess the compassion and intuition necessary to enjoy intimate relationships.
A Personal Letter to Dads
For most of us Dads, nothing is more difficult than relationships. It's just plain hard and takes an enormous amount of emotional energy.
If you're honest with yourself, that's why many of you stay late at the office. It's much easier to solve problems at work, grow your business and gain satisfaction for successful projects. We can tell people what to do and they listen. We don't have to be involved emotionally. We just do our work.
I know because I was that way for a long time. I tried to ignore my family's problems, lived in denial and just told my wife and son to straighten up. You know, just like my Dad did.
My Dad was Colonel James H. Martin, US Army, child of the Depression Era, who had no father. He barked orders, looked at us and his four boys snapped to attention. Makes fatherhood look easy, right?
But you know it's different with your child. He doesn't listen to you the same way. His interests are different than yours. It's hard to relate. You find yourself being critical all the time, shaking your head in disgust, muttering about how your child is lazy, undisciplined, doesn't follow through. You withhold acceptance and approval because deep down you're not sure you like your child and you fear he isn't going to be successful.
I had those thoughts, too. What finally got me was when my wife told me that she and my son enjoyed it more when I was away on business trips-the evening schedule went more smoothly, I didn't come home and blow up at my son. Ouch. At times, I tried. But I only knew how my father did it, through fear and yelling. And everything I did made it worse.
Can you relate to this? If so, there is hope. It can be different. Here are 10 truths that will help you begin to change your family life.
1. Your involvement with your child and family is more important than your job or anything else you do.
2. The acceptance and approval of a father will have a greater impact on your child's life than from anyone else. Anyone.
3. It is relatively easy to be successful in the business world. I'm not all that bright and I did it. But being a successful Dad? Tough. I will tell you straight up. If you are successful at business, but are not involved with your child, then your life's work will amount to nothing.
4. Accept the fact that your child is different. Different than you. Different than your expectations. You can't fight nature.
5. Your goal at work is to see projects through to completion, to make sure you get a good return on investment. Your goal as a father is to make sure your child develops into the person he is wired to be-not who you want him to be. Sow your time, energy, wisdom and encouragement into your child-you will like the ROI.
6. Do you get good results from yelling at employees? Then why do you think it will work with your kids? Seriously. What about long lectures and snide comments? You've learned to influence customers in different ways, so maybe it's time to try a different way with your child.
7. Teach your kids to be problem solvers. Don't bark orders or "make" them do things. Lead your kids, teach them how to solve problems, respect their choices.
8. Calm down and you'll see your kids calm down. If you can't control your temper or yelling, don't expect your kids to control their emotions. Change starts with you, not everyone around you. You are the leader, so be one for your child. You'll like the results.
9. Find a way to connect to your child. I am a sports nut, but my son isn't. He's a car freak and loves music. So now we test drive fast cars and go to concerts together.
10. Take father-son or father-daughter trips. Get away from the hassles and stress of home and work. Go somewhere, anywhere and have fun together. Turn off the cell phone and engage with your child.
Dads, you know nothing is more satisfying than overcoming a really tough problem at work. Now you are faced with finding a really tough solution. If you take on this challenge, I can make you two guarantees.
First, there is nothing more satisfying and important than forging a close relationship with your child. Second, you will never regret spending more time with your child.
Make the tough choices it takes to connect and communicate with your child more effectively. It starts with you.
Camper's Creed
Many of our kids feel disconnected, without a sense of purpose. That's why clubs, teams, schools, churches and synagogues are so important. Each has a certain "creed" that provides positive affirmations, collective responsibility and a sense of personal meaning.
Every child who attends Camp this summer will find strength and comfort in our Camper's Creed. Feel free to adopt usage for your classroom, home or team. These are truths that we would do well as adults to remember!
1. I am the boss of my attitudes, reactions and actions. I am not the boss of others.
2. I do not make excuses. I am responsible for my choices.
3. I have gifts, talents and advantages that the world around me needs. I will use these to benefit others.
4. I have weaknesses like everyone else. It is my responsibility to overcome obstacles and weaknesses, not make excuses.
5. I will try new things, make mistakes and learn from failure. Then I'll try again. And again.
6. When I am wrong, I will apologize, ask forgiveness and make amends. I will forgive others when they make mistakes.
7. I will use my energy to solve problems, not whine, argue or complain.
8. I am responsible for my happiness and will not give that power to other people or circumstances.
9. I do not have to be like everyone or anyone else. I am only responsible to be who I was made to be.
10. I will live with gratitude and make my life count. Because my life does count.
Do You Have A Jr. Perry Mason Under Your Roof?
Ever feel like you do nothing but argue with your son? Embarrassed that a 6-year-old can whoop you in an argument and leave you steaming while she has that twinkle in her eye?
Or maybe it is more serious and your child has been diagnosed with ODD--Oppositional Defiance Disorder.
For now, let's shed the labels and dig down a few layers to discover the needs your child is trying to meet when arguing or being defiant. Once we meet the needs, many of the negative behaviors are mitigated. The beauty of Celebrate!ADHD Needs Therapy™ is that you can apply the principles to just about any situation. So here goes.
What are the three primary needs that aren't being met when your child turns into an attorney or exhibits ODD behaviors?
# 1. Order and Context.
Our kids are hard wired to ask WHY because it provides order and context to their lives. They need to understand the WHY before the WHAT. And that's okay. That's why Thomas Edison ultimately became the greatest inventor the world has ever known. He never stopped asking WHY.
Our kids need CONTEXT. They need to make order of the world, so be proactive in explaining the big picture first. Don't mistake their questions for rebellion. Look at it as a genuine desire to learn more or find a better way to do things, or just understand the bigger picture.
Special clue. If you notice your child struggling with a math problem and getting frustrated, try closing the book and explaining the larger concept. Then come back to the specific problem.
# 2. Stimulation.
Because our kids' brains are under-stimulated, they will constantly seek stimulation. One "amazing" (LOL) way our kids do this is by seeking negative stimulation by arguing with us or getting a reaction out of us. That's why they make such great attorneys!
When you react to their provocations, you dump fuel on the fire and just reinforce this negative desire for stimulation. So buy some duct tape, stay unemotional and do not react! Stay out of the courtroom.Instead, redirect this energy into a pursuit of positive stimulation (intellectual and physical) through purposeful missions and projects. Focus your child's energy on positive projects, activities, exercise and games. Use this phrase: fight obstacles, not people.
# 3. Ownership. Our kids need to own their decisions. If they don't understand the larger context, they can't own their choices. Just consider their lives. Everyone tells these highly independent, very bright kids what to do and when. Do you know how frustrating that can be, especially when they can't make sense of many "stupid" rules arbitrarily imposed upon them? Hence the anger and defiance.
So get your kids involved in making decisions. As a parent, I want my son owning his decisions and his future. Then it's not up to me to "make" him do this or that. When I treat him like an adult, he generally responds accordingly. That is also why I have him pay and make a personal investment in many things.
Give your child choices. Let them know they are ultimately responsible for their actions, and that their actions determine their rewards and consequences. Repeat this often, "It's your choice."Start by proactively providing context and answering why, providing positive stimulation and giving your kids ownership. Building confidence and being positive never hurt, either :)
This F Word Isn’t Bad
Too many parents and teachers view Fidgeting as if it were a sin.
During a recent in-school observation, the teacher told the children quite innocently, "When your hands aren't fidgeting, your ears are bigger." It was a cute way of saying that when you are looking up at me with full attention, you hear things better.
The only problem with the statement is that it is categorically false. Even worse, it can be damaging to kids and their learning process. I can't tell you how many teachers have thanked us for this insight, because they have used it to help turn kids who were distractions into leaders.
Science Shows Us The Need
Brain scans have shown that the brains of children with ADHD are under-stimulated, meaning that critical neurotransmitters required for processing thoughts are under represented. Therefore, our kids use their own built-in system to increase stimulation, and therefore, increase focus and attention. This also explains why "boring" tasks present so much difficulty.
We Can See the Behavior
Fidgeting. Drumming fingers. Tapping pencils. Humming. Singing. Squirming. Bouncing legs. Twirling hair. Chewing on pen caps, sweatshirt tassles or lips. Rocking on chair legs. Doodling. Constant movement. Annoying? Often. Wrong? No. Necessary? Absolutely.
The truth is this: fidgeting is a natural, healthy way for our kids to stimulate themselves to increase focus. What is unnatural is asking kids to sit still many hours at a time. Our kids were meant to move and explore and experience life, not sit at a desk and listen to someone talk for hours. We can help teachers incorporate movement and stimulation into lessons. As a parent, you have boundless opportunities to work with your child's nature to make homework time much less stressful and more productive.
Do's and Dont's
DO NOT punish children for doodling, moving, fidgeting, chewing or humming while doing homework. In fact, you should ENCOURAGE this.
The truth is that our kids learn much better when they are moving. They often listen better when they are playing with something in their hands. So during homework time, don't make your kids just sit at the table.Let your kids stand, pace, walk and move around. Let them chew on carrots or a snack. Let them listen to their iPod or music. Let them fidget with a stress ball or LEGOS. Light scented candles or cook food with pleasant aromas to stimulate olfactory senses.
Talk about lessons while playing catch, kicking a ball or bouncing on a trampoline. Make a fort under the table and let them do homework in interesting places.
Do homework outside, in a coffee shop or by a stream.
Fidgeting and stimulation can be very healthy. So work with your child, not against nature.
Take a Fresh Look While Your Child is Sleeping
I look at other people’s kids who are compliant, excel in school and are sailing through childhood. And I really like those kids, I do. At one point, I wanted a child like that and wished I had an easy kid at home. But now? I wrote the following one night after peeking in at my son sleeping. I encourage you to do the same. I hope you will discover some common feelings toward your child.
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I peek in at him late at night lying in bed, fast asleep, my no-longer-little guy sprawled out across his bed, long unruly mess of hair covering his face…and I smile. I smile because he is full of personality. He is so different than me in many ways, different than my expectations, different than the little boy I had always imagined. And for that I am grateful. He’s his own person, knows what he likes and doesn’t like. I look in at him, peaceful and innocent while he sleeps. The fight is gone and his little mind is resting. He’s gone full force for the last sixteen hours, he needs a break.
I like it that he pushes the limits, like it that he questions everything, because one day he’s going to do something spectacular. Along the way, he’s going to make some big mistakes, but he’s going to live large and dream large. Underneath the spunk and mouth is a heart not only lined with gold, but filled with it. It is large and feeling, and it wants to do good even when his impulses lead him astray at times.
I think God must look down and confuse him with a little tornado. But I also think God looks down and likes what he has created, likes the little tornado who is growing into a man. I think He sees Himself in my little boy, funny as that sounds. The part of God who is the Creator, who by the sheer force of His energy and being created life and all that is in the world. The part of God who was willing to step into humanity and persevere on a rugged cross because it would help people. The part of God who walked among men, largely misunderstood, often reviled because He was different and didn’t do things the way the rulers of His era thought they should be done. But He kept going. Because He, too, had a mission. He didn’t care what others thought. His vision was larger than a mere thirty-three years on earth. I think God must see Himself in the part that sometimes misses out on earthly things because he’s in tune with something deep inside another person. The part who remains an idealist even when the world around him is less than ideal. The part that isn’t afraid to look into eternity and see better things in all of us.
That is my son sleeping there. We fought each other until we couldn’t fight anymore. Until I realized that I was the one who needed to change, because I wasn’t going to change his nature. Perhaps he has been given to me so that I would change.
That is my son. He makes me angry sometimes, makes me frustrated. Then he makes me laugh, even smile in resignation. And as I look at him, he makes me cry. He is a wonderful creation. Through all the struggles, I can see the imprints of the Creator. He is my son. He marches to the beat of a different drummer. Thank God.
Kirk